Me, myself and I

I'm not going to talk about anything about KPop or Jpop or CPop or wateva other pop today.I'm going to write something about me that I found as very bothering.I realised something today- my emotional incapabalities.I've always has this big doubts of myself. At this age of life, i should have been busy managing my husband and kids like any other woman in the world but I let myself trapped in age stage of 20.the stage of having fun and making mistakes.I'm not saying I love to go totally reckless but i must admit i have issue with man to settle before I can move on to the next stage as I supposed to.
 My reluctance in having any kind of healthy stage made my friends having doubts in my 'preference'.They wonder whether I was actually swinging the other way rather than the following the 'right path'.I was so comfortable of having a simple single life without any emotional complications to untangle.I dont hate man because if I was, i would suffer a horrible relationship with my father and my brothers.Till now, they are the men of my life.When my bff gave birth to her daughter, I felt so happy to have a god daughter.Yet, the last three days was quite emotional for me right after i knew my nephew was born.He is the son of my younger brother.maybe what they said was true, blood does run thicker than water.I instantly 'fell in love' (literally) when I saw his 1 day old picture as if he was mine.
I can't help to think how my own son/daughter will look like yet there's one big problem here, I'M INCAPABLE TO LOVE ANY MAN (beside my own family) that is necessary to start a family.If a baby can come out of my womb without a father, that will be a lot easier.yet again if i can let any guy enter my life how am i suppose to get a baby then?In vitro?it's a no no because it's forbidden in my religion so that option is absolutely out of question.So i've been thinking the whole evening, what was the real reason of my emotional retard towards man because i believe i'm straight as a woman.maybe my obsession with chinese or korean looking guys actually just a reason for me to keep myself shielded for all this time.Why?because those guys with the looks that i crazy for will never 1) PASS MY FATHER'S ISO 2)THEY WOULD NEVER LOOK OR EVEN REALISE my existance - my look, race and religion is big NO in their dictionary.
 I'm not being prejudice but this is the fact that i have came term with years ago.I'm a realistic person and also an avid analyzer- which mean my sceptical POV of man is a kinda 'heavy'.For me they can't be trusted (as a boyfriend or future husband) and the most I can be for them is their bestfriend or sister.Then what should I do now?Aging is something that kinda scary and recently I saw someone went a lil' bit off her mind because she kinda lost in her fight of being lonely single woman.I really don't wanna be like that.I'm far far stronger than her but i still need assurance that I wont go down that kind of path.Ootoke???????

this little boy made my day

My day started with a long sermon from boss - all thanks to my 'beloved' subordinates.I didn't blame him at all because even I had no more energy to repeat same old thing to them .Then my day continues with pile of work and marathon of meetings.Tension started to creep to my brain and starting to feel pain of the left side of my brain.Luckily I still have ponstan and cafergot in my bag.An unexpected 'sharing knowledge' email from my other working colleague really somehow made me smile.Simply because of the cute baby picture.

 And then I realized, today I'm officially an aunt- my brother had a baby boy early this morning.I wished I can dashed to Seremban just like superman so that i can see him.can't help to wonder how he looked like either he inherited his mother fair-skin good look or his father dark and handsome look?.Honestly, I'm not that great with babies either i'm not into them or they not into me.As i browsed for cute baby wallpaper, Mason's wallpaper caught my attention.He is too cute to be pass thus later his smile made me continuously looking for his picture.

Now my 100kg burden on my shoulder now felt so light because of a little boy angelic smile.Thank you, Mason.